when it rains, it pours

four diff. in two weeks?

guess certain 'types about college are true. huh.

postscript

why hasn't that sugar kicked in yet?!?

ha. I'm not losing my mind, I swear.

Yet.

Uhhh

I was in the library yesterday from 9am-9pm.

Today is another such day.

Oh, yeah--so is tomorrow.

And Friday's kind of looking like that, too.

It's a soda-at-breakfast kind of week.

Well, that's what I get for being such a slow researcher, ha.

No longer Bemidji-bound, still somewhat bound, burnt out but upward bound.

Wow. What a weekend. Staggering. My mind has since been a place of great churning. I had so much fun, but its after effects are going to be long-lasting. I'm always caught off guard by the events of my life. Someone shared a quote with me that has offered a great amount of resonance, though:

"Everything I encounter is my life." -Kosho Uchiyama

Is it just me, or is that quote an absolute mindf-ck? A total truth, a revelation.

This weekend was my life. What occured this weekend was my life. The implications of my actions this weekend are my life. This blog entry is my life. Everything I encounter is my life. I can't exactly explain what I mean or why this is so profound for me, but it is.

I'm kind of weary of the pace of the city. I'm already missing the intimate slowness of things.

My head is still spinning. There is something strongly resembling a knot residing in my stomach. It feels almost unshakable. I think I need to further my understanding about some things. Maybe I can learn to undo all the ties that bind by loosening this one.

I'm going on vacation... to Bemidji?!

Roadtrip to Bemidji commences... tomorrow! I can't wait!

I'll be back Sunday, so it isn't especially long, but I'm stoked. I'm going to visit one of my closest friends... 5+ hours in a manual transmission with no cruise control should be a real blast, but it will be entirely worth it.

See you when I get back!

long day

moments until my head hits the pillow. I haven't had a good night's sleep in so long. I can't wait.

wait.

what am I updating this thing for?! goodnight!

d'oh! food poison'd!

Well, I had a great weekend that even somewhat carried through into yesterday with fun all around. But then yesterday evening my body became overtaken by food poisoning! Suffice to say it was not a fun night, and today really hasn't been any better. Today I've been researching since 830am and plan to continue to do so until at least 9pm because I am going out of town Thursday night for the weekend and don't imagine I'll get much research done while gone. So I need to get back to this research because I have SO MUCH TO DO before I can leave.

woop, there it is.

Oh, ironic blog titles?

I'm researching my butt off this week, as well as having a bunch of fun. I was supposed to go to Bemidji today but it ended up working out best all around for me to go next weekend, so that is the plan. I was really looking forward to it, so I guess you could say I still am, ha.

I'm in a great mood, despite another bike accident this morning. As before, it was not my fault, and I am fine.

Anyway- just another little update; back to those books.

what, me worry? I never do.

good, gooooooood last few days. must say, in a stellar mood. as I said, took the kid bro to the amusement park, been hanging out with friends, had some fun times, (haven't slept much), and researching my bum off. as with last time, gotta get back to it-

independence day, pt. 3

So I had a fantastic independence day. My family celebrates at my Grandpa's every year, and as always it was a blast. For the second year in a row I made it to the finals of the beanbag tournament (it is more intense than it sounds, ha).

All in all it has been a pretty damn good week. I said goodbye to my childhood home because my family is moving, took my kid brother to the amusement park, hung out with good friends, and so on. I'm in a good place, though research is so much harder than I ever would have thought. Speaking of which... time to get back to that.

independence day, pt.2

...contd.

At return I entered the house prompt and got a memory. Its always some trouble or another. Some haunts don’t leave as immediately as we might like.

Times been hard sometime
In my day I drank quite a bit
That came to pass
but other vice replace it

I’ve eaten and not
for comfort and control
and I done other things
that taken a toll
on me,
I’ve been down a time or three
And religion is complex

Wandered off path
Projected changed image for love
Actions rested on those of each new idol
And identity changed with each new beau
Flexible is good, but fluid—no

Taken things out on others often
Did not intend to but excuses lag
and intention alone cannot justify when
Those I love serve as punching bags

Don’t do what I want
Motivated by desire for company
Don’t want to end up sittin’ just me...

[Name removed]: Easy evocative fear, but we won’t die alone dear. Friend—when we do end, the pumping of heart comes to close and concludes, and churning organs stop operation and synapses cease to fire, and we are alone, this is—fine (poetry this isn’t) or okay or perhaps even as it should be, but before that time our lives will be rich with relationship or six and that is good. Don’t flex for false—I like you unchanged.

When I think on it-
oh shit.
Summer is slipping so quickly away
Eroding with the passing of each day
Bye bye, oh going so hurriedly by
I’m afraid it will come to rapid end
And I will have spent all time with only one friend
Nebulous invisible lines crossed after 11pm
Contained in the very same walls
Distance once too far now too small
And now it is over, this whole half-summer now gone
With nothing to show but a curveball and bruised arm
Injure and such, all harm and alarm
(I don’t blame ‘m
it takes two to tango—us, me
and certain I’m no innocent party)

But still, in all this I find
—oh yeah—a return of me
and this, I guess—I know—I don’t mind.

independence day, pt.1

[Name removed] left early, she wasn’t feeling in top form. Early at 930pm, it being a—the—National holiday. My family was still elsewhere, updating their new dwelling place (calling things other beside their traditional name—ie ‘dwelling place’ over ‘house’—does not good writing make), or watching fireworks from a more advantageous viewing point than our soon to be forfeited house in the ‘valley’ (I add that punctuation because really it is a downward slope into a marsh). So alone, sitting, I felt moved to move, and stepped outside, feet uncovered. The cold front brought temperate temperature, relief from the day’s earlier blaze, and enough light was present to ensure I didn’t stumble on unlit suburban street. I began to wander, following noise that surrounded sound upon sound. The bursting of blasts like artillery or heartbeats, explosives; but no light to attribute it to, the treeline obstructing patriotic spectacle. Suddenly song slipped out my lips, and a good one at that. One the earth had not yet heard and is unlikely to hear again. I wandered further but still no colors could I see, only pop-pop-pop and me. Light decreasing, out of the haze is a creature wild, a deer. Furry god, easily spooked and startled. The night previous I pulled into the driveway and almost hit another, or maybe the same—even this in the suburbs. We connected, this hunted (perhaps not here, but it feels it in genetic code from historical shared experience) and I (there might have been another or it was shadowy deceit). Then I turned around and walked home and did not cry.

oops

I stopped updating this because I worked a week-long summer camp last week and then went home to help my family move and forgot all about this dear blog. Sorry! I will make up with it with above-caliber posts this week (well- no promises, only try).